The Farcical Family Feud – Orlando Edition
The world of politics has gotten so divisive that events like Orlando play out more like a sporting match or a round of farcical family feud.
We need only a game show host voice over (let’s call him John) and a well made animation or comedy skit to produce some entertaining political satire.
It might go something like this:
John: “In the aftermath of the horrible tragedy in Orlando, two teams, The Liberaces and the Connollys have decided to honor the victims by holding a political fundraising event to promote their favorite politicians and personal political biases in the run up to the 2016 presidential bid.
The loser will be held accountable for the tragedy and the winner will hold the self righteous trophy of all that is good and moral.
The question that is posed to both teams is who is responsible for this tragedy, what are the causes and who can we blame.
Let’s get this game started!”
A scantily clad woman in a bikini struts across the stage holding a sign above her head reading “Round 1”
John: “It’s the early moments after the tragedy in Orlando is announced with no accompanying details. A seemingly gay bar has witnessed the shooting of dozens of innocent party goers.”
The Liberace family wins the coin toss and elects to go first.
Both teams are asked to give their opinions without any information besides what has been thus far presented and prepare their answer in advance of adequate information to draw a rational conclusion.
Both teams huddle up, mumble to themselves and are visibly emotional.
The narrator makes a joke: “it is unlikely that we will see much rationality here today, folks. But it’s certainly going to be fun and entertaining to watch.”
The Liberaces finally come to a conclusion and type in their answer on their private keyboard and post it on the large screen for the audience to react.
“We have little to go by John, but this is what we are absolutely certain of at this point.”
“This tragedy must have been committed by an angry white Christian American male, is a hate crime NOT an act of terrorism, has nothing to do with Islam or religion, (well, except for Christianity, the white-dominated religion of our opponent) and is the consequence of guns, Donald Trump, republican rhetoric and Christian Homophobia. That is our final answer.”
Half of the crowd jumps up and cheers, boos and hisses at the other half of the audience and security steps in to stop a fight from erupting.
John asks the team on the right, the Connolly Family, if they are ready with their rebuttal and everyone moves to the edge of their seat in anticipation.
The Connollys post their response on the large monitor.
“Typical liberal rhetoric to blame everything on Donald Trump and use this opportunity to steal our guns and let the big bad government ruin America and begin the socialist, authoritarian rule that was exemplified by Hitler and Stalin seizing guns in the early 20th century in Germany and Russia.
The cause of this tragedy is Muslims, maybe even people of brown skin, in general, who hate America, traditional marriage and are ideologically committed to liberal policies which cater to and promote our enemies and destroy the American values of family and spit in the face of our founding fathers.
The fault should clearly be placed primarily on President Obummer and his weak policies of the last 8 years, bringing America to its knees in the eyes of our enemies. The United Nations, Hillary and Sanders are also collaborators and accessories to this crime. Agenda 21, Hollywood, feminism and Black Lives Matter are also responsible.
The team then rips off their original clothing to reveal American flag jumpsuits and jump up and down holding hands and grunting “Murica, Murica…hoot hoot hoot.”
Half of the crowd jumps up and cheers, boos and hisses at the other half of the audience and security steps in to stop several new fights from erupting.
John steps up to the microphone with a big smile and lovely teeth and asks the audience to score both positions for style and artistic presentation and delights in the wonderful and fun comments from both sides.
He privately thinks about how this episode will generate huge positive ratings for the show and his smile almost erupts off of his face in anticipation of seeing the final rating report.
“Wow people! We definitely have a lot of action and entertainment in store for you folks today. This is shaping up to be quite a battle.”
The scantily clad woman again crosses the stage holding a sign above her head reading “Round 2”
John: “Details have emerged that the killer has an Arabic sounding name, to most Americans, is an American citizen born and raised in the US, a card holding Democrat and his parents are of Afghani descent.”
“Details have also emerged that the father has stated that this has nothing to do with religion, that he is shocked and has no idea why his son committed this heinous act.”
John asks the Liberace family to huddle up and prepare their answer. They mumble loudly, seem a bit shaken, but trepidation soon turns to excitement and confidence as they regain their composure and finalize their response.
“We are still confident in our initial assertion. The new information confirms that this has nothing to do with religion, at least not Islam. He is American, therefore he cannot be a Muslim terrorist. This is the act of a lone wolf, therefore, by definition, this cannot be an act of terrorism. After all, what about the abortion killings and the crusades?” Those were acts of terrorism. And what about the Wounded Knee massacre in 1890?”
“His father said that this has nothing to do with religion. We take his word for it, for it confirms our biases and supports our narrative. The fact that his parents are from Afghanistan has no bearing on this case and we remind the audience that they immigrated in the 80s, to avoid war in their country, and as allies of America fighting against the ex-Soviet Union. This is a simple hate crime, most likely from a disturbed individual and is a mental health and guns issue. This is without a doubt only a hate crime aimed at the LGBTQ community. Down with Trump. That is our final response.”
The team then rips off their original clothing to reveal rainbow flag jumpsuits and jump up and down holding hands and chanting “Love and tolerance. Fight homophobia, islamophobia and hate…hoot hoot hoot.”
Half of the crowd jumps up and cheers, boos and hisses at the other half of the audience, and again, security steps in to stop ever larger fights involving dozens of audience members from getting out of control.
John asks the Connollys if they are ready with their rebuttal and everyone moves to the edge of their seat in anticipation.
They again huddle up, seemingly very confident with big grins on their face.
“We stand by our initial claim and feel completely vindicated with our first uninformed assertion. We guessed it was Muslim terrorism and now we have confirmation as he is not only a registered Democrat, but also comes from Afghan parents who are known Muslim terrorists.
This type of terrorist crime can only be averted by arming everyone attending night clubs and banning all future immigrants, building a wall larger than the Great Wall of China around the entire country and deporting anyone who has entered the country of non-European descent over the last one hundred years.”
The Connollys then do another victory lap around the stage, replete with chest and fist bumps and high fives.
Half of the crowd jumps up and cheers, boos and hisses at the other half of the audience, and again, security steps in to stop a growing numbers of fights from erupting. Water cannons and rotten tomatoes present themselves.
John, noticeably excited, shows off his dancing skills by doing a Michael Jackson moonwalk and then goes into a mashup of the Chicken and River Dance to cries of laughter, whistles and sexualized cat calls.
The crowd is loving it! The tension, hatred and emotionalism is palpable.
John: “And now for our final round. This is sure to be an amazing culmination of today’s event. Is everyone excited?”
Roaring affirmative screams emanate from the crowd.
John: “More details have emerged from this tragic event. It appears that the father of the alleged killer is a Taliban supporter and hosts a California-based satellite Afghan TV station, aimed at the Afghan diaspora in the U.S., called the Durand Jirga Show. He allegedly holds strong Anti-American, Anti-Pakistani and anti-homosexual views and was quoted as saying:
“God will punish those involved in homosexuality,” saying it’s, “not an issue that humans should deal with.”
It has also come out that the killer has a history of spousal abuse and anger issues. He also allegedly has frequented a well known gay bar in Orlando called Pulse and has used a gay dating app. Speculation has emerged that he may have been a “closeted” gay man and that “internalized homophobia” might have been a contributing factor. It is also rumored that he may have lashed out at people in public for making religious jokes. In his call to 911, he allegedly cited his allegiance to both Shia and Sunni terrorist groups and was increasingly becoming religiously radicalized.
Now let’s do this people. Are you ready for our final responses from the Liberaces and the Connollys?”
The audience hurls itself upward out of their seats and yells out in unison to John’s prompt with “YES.” They are sweating profusely, nearly drooling, with eyes dilated in a feverish, frenzied display, reminiscent of a public hanging in a town center from our recent past.
Our scantily clad supermodel again crosses the stage holding a sign above her head reading “Final Round”
The Liberaces huddle up for the last time, holding each other closely, nervously working through their final response. There is conflicting information to reject and ignore and they argue about what to present.
John: “Liberace family, do you have your final response?”
The Liberaces furiously finish typing up their final response and post it on the jumbotron monitor.
“Yes John, after weighing each of the pieces of information that you have presented to us, we are completely confident that we know the definitive answer. We have been right from the beginning. We did not need any detail to come to our conclusion. This is a hate crime directed solely at the LGBQT community. This act is obviously the result of a growing gun problem in America and exacerbated by a neglect for mental health problems. The lone gunmen was driven solely by internalized homophobia and had nothing to do with Islam or religion.
Our opponents will surely respond with an appeal to veiled racism, banning of all immigration and blame it all on our president, liberal ideology and Muslim apologetics. That only assures us more of our righteous position. They are wrong. They are racists and homophobes. Their ideology is akin to Nazi-like fascism and is derived from selfishness, xenophobia and Christian homophobia.
That is our final answer and we are certain of it.”
They also conclude with a victory lap around the stage, replete with chest and fist bumps and high fives.
Half of the crowd jumps up and cheers, boos and hisses at the other half of the audience, and again, security steps in to stop increasingly violent and vitriolic shrieks, gestures and lashing of arms and fists from the audience members.
John: “Wow. That was powerful stuff people. Look at that passion and certainty.
Connolly’s, it’s your turn now. Are you ready with your final response?”
The Connollys huddle up for their last time, holding each other closely, nervously working through their final response. There is conflicting information to reject and ignore and they argue about what to present.
John: “Connollys? Your time is up. What is your response?”
The Connollys furiously finish typing up their final response and post it on the jumbotron monitor.
“Yes, John. Thank you for your patience. We concur with our opponents, the Liberaces, and agree that after carefully weighing all of the information that you presented to us tonight, are completely confident that we have the definitive answer. We also agree with them that we have been right from the beginning and did not need any detail to come to our conclusion.
This was clearly and simply just another Muslim terror attack. It has all to do with religion and only one religion: Islam and the Muslims that promulgate these evil ideas are to blame and liberals are in denial and provide them cover and safe haven. This is indicative of a growing threat from the Muslim religion all over the world and creeping socialism.
They hate America and our freedom. We can squarely place the blame on the growing communist forces emanating from liberal dogmatism, naivete and utopian weakness. We know how that has turned out in the past. Look at Greece. Pol Pot? Mao?
They seek nothing more than to push their ideology on everyone else, to destroy America and capitalism, to seize our weapons and the ability to defend ourselves against tyranny, take the money from the rich and to bring democracy, the 2nd amendment and freedom to its knees. The founding fathers would turn over in their graves. Build the wall! Trump 2016.
That is our final answer and we are certain of it.”
John: “Well, there you have it ladies and gentlemen. We’d like to thank both of our families for coming on the show today and thank the audience and everyone out there watching on television. Thank you for your participation. See you tomorrow.”
The entire audience now erupts into applause as both families now hurl themselves into the audience and a rather violent and comprehensive riot commences with obscenities launched, hair pulling, kicking and fists flying through air.
As the camera pans across the audience and beams the images on the large central monitor, a message from the legal and production staff of the show streams down the screen:
“The producers would like to point out that this game is not about an interest in the victims or their families or about rationally investigating and discussing the details of what happened in an evidence-based and nuanced fashion. This game is about opportunism, partisanship, tribalism, ideological commitment and emotion.
It’s about promoting the values of blaming our enemies at all costs and trying to assist people in justifying their preconceived political and ideological biases. It’s about promoting divisiveness and appealing to our audience’s anger and insecurity. It’s about profiting from people committed to making sure that their political enemies do not win the presidential election. It’s about promoting the rationale to discredit our ideological enemies and to vindicate our own moral and political intuitions. It’s also about our ratings and maximizing our financial interests.
It’s not about truth. Thanks for watching.”